I've lost you, and now I'm losing me.

I feel strange, disconnected. I don't have any close friends and I'm starved for a connection. I need to feel attached to something, like I'm part of it. But I don't know what to do. Right now I just need to feel like someone cares about what I have to say and cares about me.

This is such a strange feeling. I know I'm not actually alone but I feel like I am.

Good by whiny teenager

I apologize to anyone and everyone who has read my only previous blog post. I was being so self centered when I wrote that. I needed to write it because I needed to express my self, but I should have deleted it immediately. I think I'm going to leave it up as a reminder to my self a bout my New Year's resolution. My resolutions are to extract myself from the center of the universe, like myself more, and to reach out to people by sharing myself (the reason I started this blog).

So hopefully the rest of my entries will be a lot more positive, and I promise no more will be whiny. Whiny is forever banished from my blog.

Family Games

My older brother is home for a week before he goes back to school. While everyone was home my mom wanted us to play board games together, instead of sitting around the house doing our own things.

The first game we tried was Scrabble. In the second round, when its my turn, I am taking my time, trying to make a word and get some points. Everyone should know that I am an awful speller, I am terrible at spelling, I'm so bad I regularly miss spell simple words. That's why I write using simple language and use words that I know how to spell. Everyone in my family know this, it's a family joke. I don't write things on the board at school because I get teased for my spelling mistakes, the same reason that I don't let people read my writing. But during my turn my dad started making comments saying I was taking to much time and that there should be a time limit. My dad kept making comments, my mom told him to shut up, but he kept going. The comments were getting closer and closer to saying I was dumb and illiterate, I warned everyone that if the comments didn't stop I was leaving. The comments didn't so I went to my room crying. My mom threw my dad out of the game. When I came back out later and tried to continue playing, when it got to my turn, my family started making comments again, so I left the game again.

After dinner my mom wanted us to play Monopoly. Monopoly is the only game I'm good at. I'm ruthless, I play to win, and I will make ridiculous deals to get what I want. I like monopoly an have played hundreds of games on this old Windows 98 Monopoly computer game. Five minutes into the game my younger brother makes a ridiculous deal with me, from that point on, everyone is united against me. I spend the next two and a half hours listening to everyone make deals against me, and my mother got everyone to promise to not trade me any properties. After my younger sister lost all of her money and left the game, my mother told me (in effect) that my attitude about the Monopoly game was omnipotent and bitchy. I went to my room, again in tears.

I love spending time with my family, I love playing board games, but I severely dislike being called stupid or bitchy.